Consider it Martin Luther King’s lesser known version, a first draft of sorts: I Don’t Have A Dream.
This is exactly how I currently feel. I don’t have a dream. I don’t want to be anything, I don’t want to do any one thing either. This might sound scary for some, but for me it provides a small, if growing comfort.
It’s nice to see my classmates so excited about acting, or direction, or stage management. It’s moving to see individuals so passionate about something, anything. I look no further than my Latin Professor, Liane R. Houghtalin, whom I adore. I tend to think she’s half the reason I didn’t switch to French or Spanish after last year. Houghtalin is just so amped about coming into our class everyday; you can tell that she loves, no breathes…no, in fact lives the constant study of Latin, the classics and archeology. It’s like this constant study is her very essence. It’s inspiring to study and work under her. I mean Latin still sucks-it always will, but experiencing her passion makes the trip worthwhile. She tries to share her passion with us; it’s hard not to recognize her efforts. When I look at Houghtalin I see someone who has seemingly found their ultimate purpose and joy: she has ‘arrived’.
Then there are my classmates. Lucia, Jen and Sommer are all jazzed about stage management, David about acting, and so on. These people all have a want, a hunger, a need to follow their dream and passion. They want to be a stage manager, or actor; they have a ‘destination’.
I can’t help but feel that I’m wandering about; sort of aimless and a bit dazed. I don’t have a dream. There’s nothing I really want to do. I have no destination, or it’s off the map. I don’t want to call myself an actor, or a director, or an investment banker, or a teacher. I want everything: eclectic.
‘…i want out of the labels. i don’t want my whole life crammed into a single word. a story. i want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that’s not on the map. a real adventure. a sphinx. a mystery. a blank. unknown. undefined…’ chuck palahniuk.
I don’t have a dream, and it’s wonderful. I’ll just react to whatever comes next. There are few instances where I’ve been truly allowed to simply react; but there is a remarkable and rare intensity that is derived solely from this reacting, surviving- that’s where I feel alive and awake.
There is no road-map or destination and sometimes I wish that I did have a label or destination to cling to. There is a safety, or at-least the illusion of safety attached to these ideals: labels and destinations. But, “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” -Helen Keller
I can respect Martin Luther King and Houghtalin, I admire their dreams and passions; but I don’t have a problem with not having a dream either.
I’m ready.